CURRENTLY:

All alone again...

im here in my room again, crying. the saturday drama didnt end their, it was just the beginning. mom and dad havent reconciled yet and dad's blaming for me for their fight. dad's being bitchy on me...AGAIN and it sucks! i dont know why. pero lagi na lang mainit ang ulo niya sakin. am i really that bad? am i really the black sheep of the family? i dont really know kung ano ba talga ang nagwa ko sa kanila bakit ganito na lang ang tingin sakin. i've always tried my best,but still...it wasnt enough. i didnt fail in any of my subjects, i have a C and im sorry. i have a good reputation at school, i dont smoke, i dont drink (unless with my family) and most of all i dont go out with my friends often. i dont ask for money that often, i learned to be thrifty so i can budget myself to buy my own load and my own internet card. i dont force my parents to buy me expensive stuffs. im happy with i have right now, even things for school. i work 8-3 to have my own money, so i can buy the things that i want, but then, im the black sheep of the family. i tried to be the a good daughter, but i think hindi naman nila nakikita ung effort. i envy those who take advantage of their parents, and you know who you are.

sana pumasok na lang ako today, kung ganito lang rin naman ang mangyayari dito sa shop. sa tuwing baba at lalabas ako ng kwarto ko, i feel alone in this place. i wanted to have that special bond with them, pero sila naman yung lumalayo sakin.i have no one to talk to, i cant talk to my mom, sasabihin niya din naman kina ate o kay daddy, kay ate coling...wala naman siyang insights na masasabi. kina ate, hindi naman nila rin ako sineseryoso. kaya minsan, hindi ko rin maalis sa sarili kong magmadali lumaki, kasi i want to be free..i want to be independent. iam stuck in these ocean of emotion and now, im drowning, i know no one can save me but myself. i tried to be strong for myself, pero their are times na bumibigay din ako. i tried to be insensitive, pero mas masakit pag tumama na lang siya sayo. i tried to be ready, pero it hits you when you least expect it. i tried to be me, but it made them hate me even more. im too old for this shit, and i want to move on. im not 16..still searching for the truth, i saw it already but i have no courage to go and face it. i dont hate life, in fact i love it. but when i look deep inside, i see myself alone in a dark room waiting for tomorrow to come. i have friends to share my laughter with, but still..may kulang. i have jhade who has been supportive of me, but still, may kulang. i think life can never be complete, unless you declare it to be complete. but when will that time come for me?